Q and A (Give me an A)

Information Man

Bright Star: Spring and Love

Just saw Bright Star and I'm yearning for sun on my face, grass under my feet, and a breeze om my arms.

(I'm generally not a fan of the Romantics, but I'm thinking I might give Keats another chance.)

Choice

I do this thing where I think I'm real sick, and I won't go to the doctor to find out about.



So I have a choice to make. Turn everything off and force myself to sleep, even though I'm not tired, and I pretty much slept all day. Or I stay awake. I'm almost certain one is the right choice, but embracing it is a whole other thing. A great resolution promise to myself is to try to do something everyday that takes me out of my comfort zone. Not dangerous, just a leap of faith.

I want to live my values. I want to walk the talk. I want to at least try.
I don't want to survive. I want to live. I'm going to do it.

I'm not going to dread going back to work tomorrow, instead I'm going to make a choice to leap in and look forward to a new year. Choose happiness.

Dinner and Friends

I'm going to postpone the 'New Year' for a few days

The day slipped through my fingers. Not that I tried to hold on.

In the beginning there was need for recovery. Can we just call today a buffer between then and now? old and new. I wish I had committed more wholeheartedly to the newness of this year. I didn't even dwell in the novelty of nostalgia or reflection. I'm doing that awful and dangerous thing I tend to do. I shut down, shut off, shut out. I cease to deal. I become completely focused on the present. What do I need now to be comfortable, what can I do now to not deal with tomorrow. All the the more dangerous because I'm completely aware of the fact that I push the nastiness to the back of my mind. Not until it blows up in my face will it ever move to the forefront. It's like being fully conscious of your own self-destruction, yet doing absolutely nothing about it.
Nothing unusual about that.

Why is it that in English you wish people a HAPPY new year, and in Spanish you wish people a PROSPEROUS new year?

The Arrival

Hiedi, Juli, Neto, Ceasar, and I

Travel Journal: Monday July 13, 2009 @ 12:41am

Chalatenango, El Salvador

I am currently sitting in the dark, listening to a chorus of insect sounds and snoring. Michelle is fast asleep next to me, shrouded in red mosquito netting. I think it's a little much, but I'm not going to judge.. too much. I remember the agony of being covered in welt sized mosquito bites on previous trips, and if it can be avoided, it should be.

This is the beginning of my 7th trip to El Salvador.

I'm not sure how I feel about that number. When I'm here I feel like that number should be significantly higher. Like I've lived a majority of my life here. When in reality it's all a composite of memories. 2, 4, 7, 10, 13, 16, 22. The ages I've been on every visit. So much is the same, yet so much is missing. One of the major things that takes me by surprise is the lack of development. Where is the infrastructure? Where is the growth? People are living the same way their parents lived 50 and 60 years ago. If this is a so-called developing nation.. where is the development? There has been little to no improvement in quality of life for people here. Talking to my mom about it, she sighs and deep sadness lines her face. "I could never come back and live here again" she regretfully informs me. I can't help but feel the sense of helplessness and failure in her voice when she says it. She tells me how she feels that local and national government have huge interests in keeping people satiated with what they have, and not wanting/needing more. The wealthy few are interested in profiting individually, but not nationally.

The flight was uneventful. Well aside from the instinctual pleasures of flying. I love the feeling of take-off. It feels like magic. I love looking out of the window down at cities. Los Angeles is probably the best city to look down on at night. It really gives a new meaning to being off the grid. The flight from Fresno to LA is definitely my favorite. The one from LA to San Salvador is just long. The in flight entertainment was Hotel for Dogs, the Suze Orman show (to my mom's delight), and 30 Rock ( to MY delight). The flight took off around 1am (about an hour late), and landed around 7:30am. I really do love the Salvadorean airport. I feel like it's in the middle of a jungle. Like if I look out the window I should see a scene from The Lion King, with gazelles sprinting though the grass. What I don't like are employees wearing masks. Nothing makes me feel as safe and welcome, as seeing local employees wearing masks.

The drive from the airport to Chalatenango was actually pretty smooth. I also got to have great conversation with my Tio Cristobol. I love hanging out with my uncles. They're all like different versions of my dad. The physical and gestural similarities give me a kick. Nothing makes me apprciate my dad, like being around his (crazy)(loving) family. Cristobol is kind of a badass though. He was an English professor, and an activist during the war. We talked politics, and globalization. Unlike my dad, he thinks sociology is an amazing field to be in. So much of what's happening politcally in El Salvador mirrrors what is happening in the States. After 20 years of rule from the Right, a new Leftist administration is in power. On the drive I saw many murals, and signs touting slogans for Change. The phenomenon is bigger than Obama, bigger than what transpired in the U.S. last year. The world is mobilizing for change! Or trying to anyway. El Salvador elected their own Obama this year, and my uncle seems cautiously optimisitc. I love how we have similar views on freedom of the press, civil engagement, and party politics. Sometimes it's easy to believe we are fully formed individuals who develop completely seperately from our families, and other times we see ourselves as reflections of those who share our DNA. Not that I think I was influenced or shaped by my uncles in any way, but somehow we've arrived at similar destinations of thought. If that makes sense.

Ok it's about 1:30 in the morning, and I'd kill for a fan or some AC right about now. Instead I'm gonna curl up, try to avoid Michelle's netting, and try to get some sleep. Cheers to beginnings, and (hopefully) good things to come!

G'night.