To who we are, who we were, and might one day be

"I believe that Jack Kerouac has summed up the experience of jungle weather better than I ever could: “I realized that the jungle takes you over and you become it… I began to tingle all over and to smell of the rank, hot, and rotten jungle, all over from hair and face to feet and toes… I opened my mouth to it and drew deep breaths of jungle atmosphere. It was not air, never air, but the palpable and living emanation of trees and swamp” (On the Road IV: 265-266)" - via Adam Nazaroff

I am feeling an intense void, for what I know not. I had a sad dream last night, one I barely remember, yet it feels as if the burden of emotion has seeped into consciousness. My beliefs alienate me from those I have cared for in the past. I am not willing to compromise on what is right, but it hurts to stand apart as well. Perhaps it is for the best that I will be leaving soon. I am hoping to find something within me during this trip. If my mother can make amends with the colors of her past, then so can I. If I can surmount her demons, I may begin to tackle mine.

The cycle of the work week begins tomorrow. If only I knew with certainty what it is I should be doing there. I can tread water, but how long before I exhaust myself or someone points out I'm not getting anywhere. I wish I could just be a student full time. Then maybe I would actually be in the near vicinity of graduating. Which brings me to now. Now is the time my peers are graduating from their four year undergraduate college educations. Most of them headed on to grad programs in amazing fields. Their accomplishment laid out before them. I thought I would hurt more when this time came, but it is more like a slight pinch. I officially graduated from high school four years ago. Most people would say that means little to nothing. I have made it mean something to me. Perhaps I have made it mean too much. I am apprehensive that I still have no concrete vision for what I want to do in life, or better yet what I am well suited to do. I DO NOT want to be a teacher. That I know with every fiber of my being, but that is not enough. Even if I went down the list and named all that I do not want to be I would still be left with an insurmountable list.

Ok, I should shower and get ready for phone banking. Today we finish calling Kerman.

The Acorn- Oh Napoleon from Glory Hope Mountain

I am once again (for some inexplicable) reason committing to this blog. This will hopefully be an easier thing to do, now that I have a laptop.

These flowers are the very last picture on my phone. They were sitting on a bar, in a house drenched in opulent wealth. Material wealth, I cannot with certainty verify any other kind.

I am currently sitting on my bed watching Rancid play out The Tonight Show. It always weirds me out to think this stage will host rancid one night, and then Taylor Swift the next. I'd like to think that if I ever had a talk show, or any show for that matter I would only showcase bands I like. Which might make it a less than successful endeavor. Although I'd like to think I have very eclectic tastes, there are some genres that would rarely be represented.

Life right now is liquid. I'm living with the flow, instead of focusing on the solidity of long term. I should have registered for Fall classes. I haven't. I should care more about the security of my job. I don't. Sometimes my mom will stop and look straight at me and ask "what is going on with you?". Honestly I don't know. Priorities are shifting quickly beneath my feet, so I stumble forward. I just have to believe that fall will come and I'll have classes to go to, and that whatever happens with FBU will happen for the best.

Committing to something feels like missing out on so many other possiblities. It hurts my brain. What I do know is I must go to bed soon, if I expect to have any kind of chance at recovery.