sick and grumpy

In this moment, I feel badly about many things I've done. Like stones that lay heavily on my chest. I do this weird thing when I think of something I'm ashamed/hurt/embarrassed/sad about. After that one little thought breaks through, I open the gate to all the things that make me feel truly awful. There is no purpose to it, and perhaps there is a chemical/psychological reason for it. Lately I've tried really hard to shut the door before anything pierces through the consciousness. Self preservation is a powerful thing. Aaagh. I wonder if this ever happens to anyone else.